August 31, 2010

Kate: personal, venerable, transparent and scared

I always appreciate it when people are real, and share their feelings, so this is me, being personal, venerable, transparent and scared.

 I am so afraid of all those unknown "What ifs".  I have spent so much time, energy, money, brain power, time away from family, sacrifices learning and building myself up to be a better photographer.  To become more business saavy.  To become more tech saavy.  To learn more about myself.  To hone my skills, etc.  I felt like I have grown leaps and bounds and still have oodles and oodles and eons to grow.  I have spent the last few months building up my portfolio and my experience.  What if?  What if after this wonderful beginning, building phase, everything just fizzles out?  What if I get lost in the crowd of the myriad of other photographers?  I am scared of all the mistakes I am going to make.  I am scared of my failures. Everyone wants to act like they've got it all together, myself included, but to be honest, I don't.

What if I spend all this time, effort, energy, money, brain cells, time away from family, and sacrifices and I go "Oh crap, this isn't what I expected. I think I need to bow out."

I have done everything that I possibly know how up until this point to be a better photographer.  I have read every book I can get my hands on.  I've spent (you don't even want to know how much) time and money attending workshops,  I've traveled by myself to Vegas to go to a convention, I have made so many new friends, I practice and practice, read and read, learn and learn some more.  I have to be honest, I am a little bit afraid of being lumped into the sterotype of "oh, just another Mom who owns a nice camera."  Yes I am a proud mama with a nice camera, but I didn't just pick up a camera and say "Here I am! I'm a photographer! Pay me oodles to take your photos." In the wise words of Cliff Mautner "Buying a Nikon doesn't make you a photographer, it makes you a Nikon owner."  I have loved giving my all to learning the craft, and I continually strive, and strive, and strive some more to get better and better.  Part of becoming better is...something else I'm afraid of....making mistakes.  What if I totally screw up someones precious family memories?  What if I say something stupid?  What if I'm currently saying something stupid?  What regrets am I going to have?

Here's what I am most terrified of...  My family means absolutely everything to me.  They are my number one priority.  What if I have to leave them behind?  What if I miss out on important things?

I am so excitedly about to launch a new website.  One that is much much much better than this blog. YAY!  But at the same time, I have trepidation!  What if maintaining the website turns out to be just a big ol' pain in the rear?  What if people can't navigate it very well?  What if it ends up looking like poop?

I have had a couple of local businesses contact me in wanting to collaborate and use me/refer their clients to me. How exciting right? What an opportunity!  But at the same time, I'm scared! I'm scared of putting myself out there.  I'm scared of the risk.

Kate, it's called risk for a reason. If it's worth it, it's worth all the risks. If you want to grow, you've got to take the leap(s)! (Now I just look like a crazy person talking to myself.)

There you have my fears, here are my hopes:
-I hope to get better at the craft.
-I hope to be a better photographer
-I hope that I can make a difference for someone.
-I hope to create images for people that they can love and appreciate in the decades to come.
-I hope to be more tech savvy.  (I didn't really realize how much of the computer/technical aspect goes into everything photography related!)
-I hope to beautifully capture my own, and others precious memories.
-I hope others will trust and want me to capture their precious memories.
-I hope to contribute to providing for my family.
-I hope that I won't get burned out.
-I hope that although I'll be working, I'll still be there for my family.
-I hope that what time I do spend away from my family, that it is for our benefit as a whole.
-I hope to successfully implement a business plan.
-I hope that what mistakes I do make, that I can be forgiven and learn from them.
-I hope to make new connections and friends as I continue on my journey.
-I hope that it all works out.
-I hope that not only will it work out, that it will ROCK!

Thanks for listening.  Thanks for letting me (in the words of J*) "K.I.R.! Keep It Real!"  Thanks for your support!




Hayley said...

Thanks for sharing, Kate. I think we all have those same exact least I know I do. I have days where I am really pumped and excited and I just want to scream it from the rooftops, and days where I am so discouraged and frustrated I want to chuck my camera nd crawl in the nearest hole and give up.

One thing that has always helped me when I'm feeling blue about photography is to go back and look at your work say just 6 months ago. You can see how far you have come, and it's a huge boost of confidence! Can't wait to get shooting with you all next week! Also, i'm excited for your website!

Lostylady said...

Just remember how far you've come already! You are a great photographer and you are getting better every day. Need proof? Just start at the beginning of your blog and work forward-you are honing your craft in a very short and impressive amount of time.

It would be a shame for you to consider giving up on this venture. No matter what you would regret not trying at all, so kudos to you for taking a leap of faith! We believe in you, Katie!!

Frances said...

Kate! Love this sincere and honest post. Also, I can definitely relate to these feelings and apprehensions. So glad to have met you in Vegas, and I know you'll have continued success. Hope things are going well in your neck of the woods -- feel free to let us know if you're ever in Houston.